(Not Really) About Me
More Interesting Fake Biography
A photographic representation of my glorious visage.
Ryan Eanes is an internationally sought-after author, university lecturer and designer of fashion-forward, eco-friendly, biodegradable and completely unwearable garments that are distributed directly to a trash can near you.
After outgrowing the useless and larval baby stage and being a remarkably awkward and unattractive child for a number of years, Ryan earned national attention for graduating as the salutatorian of the acclaimed Statesville High School in 1999. Sixteen cannons were fired in his honor and he was saluted with a ticker-tape parade down the two blocks of downtown Statesville, North Carolina that are not either vacant or housing drug-addicted vagrants. The day's festivities concluded with the storied Shaming of the Valedictorian ceremony, in which the high school's top student was forced to dance about like a monkey in the nude and messily eat chocolate pudding in the city square while the residents of the town shrieked with laughter and pointed.
That shamed and embarrassed student remains forgotten to this day, whereas Ryan went on to earn his BA in Communication from Wake Forest University and, later, his MA in Media Studies from The New School. While toiling as a humble student, Ryan made at least fifteen critical discoveries that forever changed the landscape of science, art and literature, and he won numerous important awards for these achievements. They are such coveted awards that we cannot name them here; in fact, several of them are so secret that individuals who even accidentally learn of their existence must be killed by means of immersion in boiling nitric acid. He has been awarded honorary doctorates by such fabled institutions as the Oxford School of Bariatric Medicine and the Stanford Institute for Journalism and Typography. He has also been recognized by the Academy of Television Importance and the National Major Authors Society League.
Also while a university student, Ryan hosted two critically-acclaimed television talk shows, Speedboat Justice Team and Past Your Bedtime. His hard-hitting interviews are still shown to speech and communication students, and his celebrity was cemented on the Wake Forest campus when he delivered a baby via C-section live on the air moments after leaping through a flaming hoop on a motorcycle. Local media described the moment as "truly spectacular" and "miraculous in an Old Testament kind of way."
Currently, Ryan lives in New York City where he has earned fame and fortune as a celebrity author, chef and socialite. His readings at parties are the stuff of legend and his legacy as a modern-day troubadour was cemented some years ago when, in the midst of a reading at a party hosted by Calvin Klein, Carol Channing attempted to upstage him, only to fall off the stage unnoticed. She was later found crying into a small bowl of guacamole that she had studded with Hershey's Kisses for no discernible reason.
Ryan lends his voice to Warbly the Woodchuck on the popular children's TV program Puppetastic Parade of Wonder that airs weekly on PBS. He has also released an immensely popular album called Can't Get Fooled Again that has gone platinum twice; featuring such guest stars as Jesse McCartney and Zac Efron, it is a staple amongst screaming and crying teen girls, who are prohibited by law from coming within five hundred feet of his apartment building.
Ryan is part-owner of a small chain of mall concession booths. "The Nut Sack" can be found in small and mid-sized malls throughout much of the Rust Belt with one outpost in the Village Fair Mall in Meridian, Mississippi. He and the other co-owners are currently working on a "green" restaurant concept tentatively entitled "The Grassy Knoll" that is to open in Dallas, Texas.
In his free time, Ryan raises prize-winning Weimaraner puppies that sell for thousands of dollars apiece. He enjoys making canned preserves and pickles "just like grandma used to do before the accident," and he spends as much time as he can in the gym maintaining his spectacular Abercrombie and Fitch-esque physique.
